Saturday, 28 November 2015

Hair! What is it good for?

I cried in a hairdressers on Thursday night.

 An undignified affair of watching in a mirror as my hair fell away, hoping against hope the final reveal wouldn't be what I was expecting. It was exactly what I was expecting. The issue isn't the cutting off of my hair, that I really couldn't give a fig about. It grows so quickly that a buzz cut would be pixie length in just over a month. No my issue was with the nature of my hair which every time I go to a hairdressers I hope they'll be able to fix.

You see it's incredibly fine. All it does is hang limp and collect grease. Honestly I should hook up with McDonalds and make my fortune. Some wise souls amongst you will tell me that I need to wash it less frequently, to you I say pffffffft. I cannot get through a day with unwashed hair without feeling absolutely vile.

This particular hairdresser did not show me the way. He just kept shrugging and telling me that it was very difficult as my hair is very fine; while a poster to the side of his head proclaimed the many ways thicker hair could be achieved. Partially I accept the blame due to the impossibility of making a silk purse out of a sows ear however surely as I walked in with the self same straight fine hair and proclaimed my hatred of it then it's possibly inadvisable to take straighteners to it? Again again wise souls will proclaim the benefits of straighteners for sharpening the edges of a cut. To those people I repeat pfffffft. My hair will do straight all on it's own, please I beg of you, make it do something else!

I'm lazy. Let's face it, it's true.

I realised this when I explained my hair styling routine to the salon manager who kindly took me upstairs to calm down. I wash my hair, I tie it in a ponytail then I turn the blowers in my car to full. Rinse repeat. I feel like I have missed a vital step in adolescence when all this shit is experimented with and a style developed. You make all those mistakes when you're 15 and then as you get older you refine until you are much more polished and together.

I missed all this due to being deeply uninterested. I'm still uninterested now but I still want the end result and will get very upset when it doesn't magically appear. The nice salon manager showed me lots of tricks to make my hair do what I was hoping it would. I then tried to recreate this the following day.

I cried again.

I remain hopeful though. I'm trying to learn and have bought many styling products which it appears are the required means to barnet bliss (I'm aware this will most likely led to me being broke and disappointed but...well I've no sensible answer to that). I even intend to go to bed with curlers and a scarf wrapped around my head. Cotton obvs as I've learnt this wicks away sweat and the natural oils of the hair. Afro hair should use silk in order to do the opposite. It's amazing the things you learn on Radio 4.

p.s curly haired girls who wish they could get their hair to do what mine does. I refuse to accept that we all want what we haven't got. It's just that everyone's hair is against them and that it's not paranoia if you're right.

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